23 Ways to Know You Are Dating a Rockist
I was supposed to go see my lovable music snob ex's blues/rockabilly/americana band play at Sin-é the other night but I was sick and it was raining, so instead I just listened to his record and thought back on all the great times we had together. I came up with this list.
23 Ways to Know You Are Dating a Rockist
1. The first thing he does when he gets you in his room is show you his massive, amazing, beautiful, powerful record collection.
2. He goes down on you in an odd time signature.
3. He cares more about getting you to turn off the Kidneythieves than getting to see your boobies for the first time.
4. He will not have sex with you to Portishead.
5. He will not have sex with you to [insert artist here]. If this is the only # that applies to you, you can breathe a sigh of relief; he’s not a rockist, he’s just gay.
6. He gives you a CD titled “Jaime’s birthday CD” that should actually be called “Adam’s Musical Man-Canon.” Also, your name isn’t spelled that way, and when you tell him he gets really mad at you.
7. He thinks Bob Dylan is good sex music.
8. He will only record his rockabilly/mandolin/jug band on vintage reel-to-reel.
9. He doesn’t tell you he liked your music after your gig, and you don’t ask.
10. He won’t let you hang out with his friends until after you have passed a test based on your birthday CD.
11. He won’t let you hang out with his friends, period.
12. He has a membership to Suicide Girls but he’ll fucking kill you if you tell his bassist/best friend/roommate. He’s known him since the fourth grade but he must never know he masturbates…to girls who like My Chemical Romance.
13. He won’t help you fulfill your CBGB’s bathroom sex fantasy because they let Shakira play there.
14. He won’t kiss you when you have a cold because he’s playing at the Bitter End in a week.
15. He then catches the flu from the children’s dance studio where he plays piano and accuses you of giving him syphilis.
16. He would rather be castrated than sit through an album with female lead vocals (Nico and Sonic Youth don’t count).
17. The only bands he likes from the entire decade he grew up in are Nirvana and REM.
18. No matter how many blowjobs you’ve given him, he still comes too soon if he hears Venus in Furs or a really kickass drum solo/feedback outro.
19. He drums Ween songs on your head while receiving a blowjob, even after you’ve stopped and given him a warning bite.
20. He insists you give him head on the motel bed at the Chelsea hotel (then makes you pay for half the room).
21. His stereo is nicer than his clothing/apartment/health plan.
22. He lives in Astoria and would rather die than ever hang out in Williamsburg. Or, he lives in Williamsburg but doesn’t like to talk about it.
23. His sideburns are better maintained than the rest of his hair combined (and there’s a lot of it).
23 Ways to Know You Are Dating a Rockist
1. The first thing he does when he gets you in his room is show you his massive, amazing, beautiful, powerful record collection.
2. He goes down on you in an odd time signature.
3. He cares more about getting you to turn off the Kidneythieves than getting to see your boobies for the first time.
4. He will not have sex with you to Portishead.
5. He will not have sex with you to [insert artist here]. If this is the only # that applies to you, you can breathe a sigh of relief; he’s not a rockist, he’s just gay.
6. He gives you a CD titled “Jaime’s birthday CD” that should actually be called “Adam’s Musical Man-Canon.” Also, your name isn’t spelled that way, and when you tell him he gets really mad at you.
7. He thinks Bob Dylan is good sex music.
8. He will only record his rockabilly/mandolin/jug band on vintage reel-to-reel.
9. He doesn’t tell you he liked your music after your gig, and you don’t ask.
10. He won’t let you hang out with his friends until after you have passed a test based on your birthday CD.
11. He won’t let you hang out with his friends, period.
12. He has a membership to Suicide Girls but he’ll fucking kill you if you tell his bassist/best friend/roommate. He’s known him since the fourth grade but he must never know he masturbates…to girls who like My Chemical Romance.
13. He won’t help you fulfill your CBGB’s bathroom sex fantasy because they let Shakira play there.
14. He won’t kiss you when you have a cold because he’s playing at the Bitter End in a week.
15. He then catches the flu from the children’s dance studio where he plays piano and accuses you of giving him syphilis.
16. He would rather be castrated than sit through an album with female lead vocals (Nico and Sonic Youth don’t count).
17. The only bands he likes from the entire decade he grew up in are Nirvana and REM.
18. No matter how many blowjobs you’ve given him, he still comes too soon if he hears Venus in Furs or a really kickass drum solo/feedback outro.
19. He drums Ween songs on your head while receiving a blowjob, even after you’ve stopped and given him a warning bite.
20. He insists you give him head on the motel bed at the Chelsea hotel (then makes you pay for half the room).
21. His stereo is nicer than his clothing/apartment/health plan.
22. He lives in Astoria and would rather die than ever hang out in Williamsburg. Or, he lives in Williamsburg but doesn’t like to talk about it.
23. His sideburns are better maintained than the rest of his hair combined (and there’s a lot of it).
posted by Jamie at 3:15 PM
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